Blocked boys

Why I have blocked all boys on OkCupid:

DREAM GUY

What age do guys stop trying to put their hand up your skirt on a first date?
Always treat a date like a lady when you are out in public, then if she's up for going back to yours, then you can bring out the whore in her, jeeze. Common sense, boys.

I am trying to leave behind boys. I'm gonna leave behind the stunted conversation they give you, answering in an overly sarcastic way, or even mimicking in a funny voice like a 5 year old... What I'm saying may be interesting if you just give conversation an actual go. I guess its not your fault. I'm probably expecting too much.

I operate on a 'one strike and your out' kinda basis. Probably not the best way. I think I even made some mistakes because of this system, but I really cannot be bothered anymore, and I'm way too picky.
So I gave up! Then I started going on dates with... let's say... the older, more mature generation.

I'm gonna be honest, I THINK when I'm ready to have a boyfriend, he will be a complicated, creative, exciting, mental, stupid, fun youngish guy... I THINK... Well, that was the plan anyway, but after going on a few dates with lovely old men... I'm giving my plan a serious rethink.

My real life is taking after my TV crushes.

Every television character I fancy is more my parents age than my own and I have THE BEST crushes ever. I would like them all melted down and molded into one perfect man, just for me, and I will be the happiest girl in the world (Or not. Who knows. I'm a girl.)

So these are the elements I need to make THE dream man.
If any scientists out there wanna help me with this, then I'm all pro cloning and pro embryo genetic engineering and all that stuff.

I think I have made the best older man ever!!! Here is how to make my cocktail:

25% STEVE BUSCEMI

When I was at school, my favourite film was Ghost World. Pretty cliche, but it led to my first ever fantasy crush. Steve Buscemi.
I went to a terrible school where all the guys were idiots who didn't care about their education one bit. You know those disruptive kids in the class, there is usually one, or a pair, but at my school it was everyone.
The boys liked nothing more than to play football and talk about which girl they were gonna bang next while hanging around the school entrance smoking and shouting hurtful things at the geeky kids.

My boyfriend was out of school but he was still an idiot. He owned a car garage business and was a boy racer / metal guitarist (not a good one) who sold weed on the side. Reaaaaaaal gentleman right there.
So it probably explains that when I first saw Steve's character Seymour drinking a vanilla milkshake while he waited for his date in his adorable old man clothes, my heart completely melted and I wanted him.
I wanted him even before I heard his voice... which would make me want to jump on him even more. The sex would be so amazingly awkward and his long floppy side parting would move really well with his jaunty thrusting.

The next film I saw him in was regrettably Conair. BUT.... for some reason, the fact that he was so dangerous he had to wear a frikkin' human muzzle made him even more sexy.
I have not seen one film or show where I don't want to lure him back to mine and call him Mr. Pink while I pin him down.
I actually think he keeps looking better the older he gets. It's his hair and his puniness... but it's mainly his voice and the fact that he looks like a pathetic uncle... and to me, that's hot.

15% RON SWANSON

My most recent love is Ron. Fucking. Swanson. From Parks and Recreation.
He's a real man. He is the definition of Man. He also has an amazing mustache which would tickle my lips perfectly. Having a man like Ron Swanson would make life complete.

He could go kill us our dinner and build us a porch where we would sit quietly, eat steak and do crosswords. He takes no bullshit and wouldn't let anyone screw you over.
The main thing that makes me day dream about him is how serious and stern his expression always is, till something gets him really excited, then he is so adorable I want to eat him.
Every girl likes a bit of old man comfort and I would go brunette for him in a second.

5% GLENN QUAGMIRE

My next choice is very important to my man cocktail.
Quagmire from Family Guy. He's my dash of Bitters in my champagne cocktail.
He doesn't make up the main mix but without him the whole drink would be completely boring and not worth having.

You need a bit of excitement in the bedroom. Quagmire is complete filth and I absolutely love it.
It annoyingly takes me a few months to completely trust and relax with someone to start doing weird bedroom shit. It's completely frustrating for everyone involved. However, this is probably why all my real relationships have lasted so long, cause when I have gotten to the point where I can just let the juices flow (Giggity), then there is no stopping how much fun we have.

Having a little bit of Quagmire in my otherwise perfect gentleman would probably just make me dive into it and not use my brain so much. It's much needed for me.
My favourite Quagmire moment is when he is texting Meg on her 18th birthday. I think its the whole 'dad's friend' type scenario that does it for me. A bit of old man perviness, in the right doses, will never hurt.

40% DAVID MITCHELL

I cannot stress how much this man makes me get a female boner. Everything that comes from his mouth sounds so beautiful to me. His beautiful nasally words. Mmmmm.

If there is one thing I love, it's a well educated, witty, posh boy. 
He said that when he was at school he either wanted to be a comedian, actor or the prime minister. I would LOVE him as prime minister. All that power and being hilarious will actually send me over the edge. I think that's the point where I would actually start stalking him.

My crush started with Peep Show... Come on! He's looking right at you with those creepy black eyes! How can you not fall for him? Mark Corrigan was my dream man. 
He was too clever, overly sensible but still completely mad, but, It wasn't till seeing him on the panel show Would I lie to you? as himself... Arghhhh! He is actually a more confident version of his character, but he was real! Absolutely perfect. 

This program confirmed that I had to have him. The main story on the show that made me pretty much orgasm was that he had a 3 point system for getting pens back which he had lent people.. actually thinking about it, every completely weird true story about him made him better.
The main thing he's 40% of my concoction is how irritated and angry he gets when someone says something wrong or stupid. He goes from calm to crazy in seconds. 

If I ever met him, I would purposely say something grammatically incorrect, or say something about history which was really stupid and wrong till he gets all shouty and passionate about it. I would then kidnap him while he was in that state. Use that strange 'know it all' anger to my advantage.

15% PROFESSOR ROBERT WINSTON

I think most Professors I see on documentaries do it for me.
I love watching lectures about science on the internet. Mainly cause I love science, but also seeing a man talk passionately about it is such a turn on.
I most like it when I don't understand what they are saying. It makes me want to hire them as a tutor to come round my house and teach me personally.

I never took advantage of the student teacher relationship in my life, and now, when I don't have anyone to have authority over me, I'm really craving it. Some older, wiser person who should be out of reach. A private science tutor would be ideal.
I did date a guy who worked on building the Large Hadron Collider. He was 51 and wore a business suit every day, but he didn't have a great sense of humor. The Professors you see on BBC documentaries though!! They totally do. I love them.

Professor Robert Winston is top of the list of all the others. (second is anatomist Gunther von Hagens. Dissecting humans, mmmm.)
Robert is a medical doctor, scientist, television presenter and politician. Amazing. He is also a really fucking nice person and is actually really good looking for an old guy, with his little glasses and slightly messy scientist hair. Dreamboat.

As long as he can play the whole teacher, student thing.. well, I'm in.

That's all you need. There we have it. I honestly think I have created the perfect older guy to go on any girls arm.

One bug eyed, slightly mad, know it all handyman with a mustache and a side parting. A real gentleman who will make me laugh. He will teach me about the universe and will give me a threesome with a giraffe for my birthday present.

I think looking at all the photos of the man cocktail, I'm hoping the output will have the looks of the handsome Richard (the eye doctor from friends!!) Monica's dads friend which she dated...
I'm pretty sure my calculations are right.
That would be the icing on the cake!.... But I don't think the science is quite there yet.


He will turn out a mess. I'm really glad about that actually 'cause when this hideous genetically modified monster walks through the door, I'm going to be the only one who wants it, and we will live happily ever after.

x <3 x

Please follow me on twitter @sarahpenneyuk and check out my other stuff at www.s-a-r-a-h.co.uk

Fingerbanging and smartprice tissues

Saturday morning my friend (lets call her J, she would kill me if I said her real name) woke up in the bed next to me and laughed. I asked why she was laughing.

"Because I just woke up to find you sat on the floor... with bunny ears on... staring into space."

I kind of realised I looked slightly mad and crawled back into bed and went back to sleep.

The night before was pretty strange, so I was best just going back to sleep and thinking about it later, It wasn't time to think just yet...

Friday night was an insight into how my life would be if I had never stopped listening to Echo and the Bunnymen, never stopped wearing red wool in my hair and never stopped drawing my future tattoos, which mainly consisted of various objects in cages. Roses in cages, Severed hands in cages, creepy hamsters in cages etc etc...

I was some kind of goth when I was at school. On school photo day I wore blood red eyeliner.

It looked like I was dying. My hair was black and there was a bow adorning my head with some kind of comic book character on it.... I have since destroyed all evidence, large and passport sized.

All that to me now, sounds, just, terrible.. BUT I had such an interesting and fun night, stepping back into my past for an Antichrist night called 'Night of the vampires'.

This is a fetish night. The dresscode is fetish. Can I just say, that my friend J who I brought along was claiming, "I have nothing to wear!!! I have never been to a night like this" but then on the way to the club pulls out of her bag, one well used, completely ripped latex mask and one gas mask which she "kept from a school art project" or something equally as transparent... Maybe she was telling the truth, but I saw her in the club... DUCK. TO. WATER.

The first thing we saw were the 'No wanking' signs. I had never seen a no wanking sign before. It's a pretty sad sign but its ok, 'cause there were plenty of other rooms which didn't agree with this sign one little bit.

I couldn't really see anyone just getting it out on the dancefloor and start going for it. There was a lot of flesh on show but I never once thought it was a sexy atmosphere. Everyone was in underwear but apart from that it felt like any other club.

I was expecting over the top costumes all over the place, like every corner you turn you see something terrifying like a really bad acid trip you cannot get away from, but instead we ran into a really nice looking couple whose day jobs was working for Boots.

We admitted it was our first time at a fetish night (well for me, the jury's still out about J) and they told us that they love the Antichrist nights and we had chosen the best place to be beginners! They told us they were swingers and straight after this comment J whips out her phone and shows them both a photo of me in underwear! So all of a sudden I was a fetish night beginner, stood with some swingers, who had now seen me half naked. If I had more booze inside me, and the man wasn't wearing a corduroy trilby, (my most hated accessory) then there could have been a magical moment right there, but not just yet I don't think...

We have a little look round, walk through a room with lots of sex chairs with chains. People were laid naked while their partner, or maybe just a stranger, whips them while they are strapped in. My focus was on this young girl laying on a bench on her front with her hands strapped next to her head while a man behind her teases her by slowly stroking her naked back, then stops, spanks her bum, then fingers her. He repeats this but never lets her know when he's gonna spank her. It's good to watch her reaction. Her face goes from pleasure, to fear, to pain, to pleasure again, and I remember just how much fun that is!

J got approached in the toilets by someone who was telling her that her mask was a good one, but there was a different model which would be better because it has straws going through it for drinking or some shit, she's not sure what he was on about.. so J wasnt an expert it seems.. she was a fraud.. but i'm still not convinced. It was worrying how much she seemed to like her disguise though.

The only guy I saw who was dressed like a vampire was a guy called Dan. He had those white contact lenses in, fangs and a cape.

"Can I see your foot", he said. I felt really strange getting my foot out for some guy dressed as a vampire. I mean, I hate getting my feet out for anybody, infact I cut short a date once cause he said he had a foot fetish, but I had to get into the whole thing so I passed him my foot and he starts to massage it. This was the first time that I realised anything pretty much goes.

I think this guy could walk upto any girl and ask the same thing, and she would oblige.

He asks me to go into the sex room with him, I tell him maybe later, but me and J head there ourselves..

What I REALLY wanted to see when I walked through the curtains were swimming pools, roman statues, beautiful fully naked women dripping in expensive jewelry and glowing golden with their glossy hair and men who looked like the roman statues come to life passionately grasping the women while they slowly but firmly make love to them.... then I realised I was in Vauxhall, London, and that there were ASDA Smartprice tissues on the table which were glowing in the UV light. They reminded me of my daily intake of smartprice noodles at uni. The white and green haunts me.

Most people were pretty clothed. It kind of upset me. I was looking round for some good views of peens going into various holes but sadly this time was not a success.

Just a lot of leather rubbing noises and groans, some awkward jerky movements going on and a few boobs flying around.

I wasn't that turned on but I think J was. Just a little suspicion that I had, seeing as she had climbed on top of me.

We spoke to a few other people. We found another newbie. His friend offered me a spring roll while he told us that he wasnt into this stuff, but that he came with his friend. He points out that he only bought this outfit today for the occasion. I thought maybe this was another J-like mask lie but then I looked at his t-shirt and it was obviously a brand new Guns and Roses t-shirt. One of those ones that are sold in places like Topman. So if you are thinking of infiltrating one of these nights, go for it. I completely recommend it! It might just be your thing. You never know till you try, right!

 Another guy, was this old guy dressed in leather. His name was Victor and he was kinda hot and by this point I was getting into it all, so I gave him my number and told him I would go to the next event with him... this will probably not happen but at the time I was all "I cannot believe its my first time, I need to go to the next one with you and you can show me the ropes"... Ah. We know what "Show me the ropes means".

We went back into the sex room. By this point we were both very drunk. Looking back I am pretty sure that nobody else was really that drunk. Everyone seemed fine and normal and nice and we were the only ones not used to this so we needed the dutch courage I think. These people were all used to going to quite civilised swinger parties. They were completely used to getting naked and having sex in front of lots of people, they didn't need any alcohol...

The only time I had been to a swinger party was when someone at a club in Bournemouth handed me an address on a piece of paper and said “Party back at this house after”. Being at a University club night, I just thought it was a normal afterparty, like any other night, so I went round with about 10 other fucked kids, expecting a house party. I kind of figured it out when I spotted a hot tub through the window, but when a naked couple answered the door, it was all pretty obvious then. 

So me, I think I was way too drunk, or maybe even had stage fright, probably a mixture, but nothing was going to happen for me. Dan the vampire foot massager came in and interrupted us by taking my shoes off and touching my feet again.

Just went with it for a few mins, then headed out. White contacts will never do it for me.

Outside I felt something be placed on my head. I reached up and felt it.... It was the corduroy hat from earlier! It got too much. Flashes of corduroy hats, asda smartprice tissues and vampire foot massages kept flashing in my head and I had to go.

Trying to find the exit, we stumbled back into the bondage room with the chairs and the chains and to my surprise, without saying anything, J grabs my arm and walks me into the obsticle of chairs infront of everyone watching. I was slighty freaking out inside as I was expecting her to strap me down. In my head I was going through the various situations that could happen and figuring how to get out of it by not making a scene in front of everyone but at the same time wondering if I should just go for it, but to my complete relief she stands in front of the bench, takes her clothes off and sprawls herself over the leather. I had found a whip earlier that night which I had been carrying round, and remembering what I had seen earlier that night, on the very same bench, and while Victor stands in the crowd watching... it was finally time for me to stop being such a pussy and say FUCK IT and get on my knees and into it... it would be rude not too!

On the bus home I kind of wished I was more open to it from the start, because nobody was going to judge anyone at all in that place, and there is not many clubs at all that you can say that about! The whole place had a really amazing feel to it. Yes, you can walk through the dance floor and see a girl getting tied up with rope on a spider's web by two guys, but it made me feel all warm inside. I had never seen so many happy people in one club!

So, I think what was going through my mind as I stared into space that morning, bunny ears on my head, was me seriously thinking about this whole open relationship stuff and how it can actually work and be so much fun, most likely keeping the wool hair and red eyeliner at bay still but....

I think 2 boyfriends and 1 girlfriend would be pretty ideal. Yeah. That's not asking for much is it?!

LIST OF THE DAY - stereotypes

Lists are amazing. They are so damn helpful. I would quite literally tear my hair out and break down into tiny little pieces if lists didn't exist.
How else can you rank cute boys or get satisfaction from ticking off boring tasks!

I have a lot of lists saved away. Here is my list of the day....

Found by my friend J Preece strolling through Seven sisters.

Hot stuff, apparently...

I don't keep a diary. Thank god.

If I kept a diary I could skip back a few pages and actually see when the last time I had sex was and I would see that it probably wasn't that long ago. Without a diary and with my terrible sense of time, i'd say 2 or maybe nearly 3 months. Thinking about it, that can't be right. Meh.

This is a list of 5 slightly strange things that have turned me on recently due to my celibacy and will probably be the very thing that makes me jump on some poor guy when I simply cannot take it any more....

1) Eye fucking.
Usually this pisses me off but recently I have been doing it back and it's ridiculously fun. 
The most fun is when you do it to people on the opposite escalators on the underground. 
(you know exactly what I mean)

2) Large buildings.
In no way is this that strange inanimate object fetish. More the guys who are super powerful who work in them and the little pencil skirt women. Basically that film secretary played in my mind as I sat on a bus driving though Bank and now big important buildings make me horny.

3) When the Hillary's blind man came round
I had a long t-shirt on with knickers. For some reason I didn't put anything else on. My hair was still in a side ponytail from the night before and I stood painting my nails in the kitchen while he worked. This was perfect porno material and we both knew it. I should have gone for it. I could be writing the story for one of those middle-aged woman magazines where they only dream of fucking the Hillary's blinds man in their marital homes... next time.

4) Naked reading 
I have no idea. I just have become a nudist since moving into my own flat. My favorite thing to do is read a book and eat an apple whilst some loud opera is playing. It's a good look... well I hope someone is looking anyway.

5) NOT having sex.
This one is annoying. Going out for drinks with someone then saying goodnight is pretty much what i'm moaning about in the first place but because nothing happens I get way more excited thinking about when it actually will happen. What the fuck is that all about! So I just go home, watch terrible things of my laptop and get more frustrated.

I guess I'm doomed!

Lady lessons.

If you are a girl then chances are you have said this...

"Boys smell. I'm gonna turn lesbian".

Or y'know... something along those lines, probably said with more anger as you cry into your friends lap as yet another male has realised you are absolutely mad or just simply found someone way more interesting and pretty.
Us girls would never point this out though. 

If you have not yet learnt that when you are feelin' down and confused, go see your male friends! Now you know! They will tell you the truth. Girls bullshit. They may make you feel better for approximately 4 hours tops. Boys will remind you of the time you slapped him and went nuts in Sainsburys after catching him just having a little peek at the shop assistants bum... or was he just innocently looking for the canned hot dogs?  Either way, you are a crazy woman.

Anyway. Where was i? girls rule? I think that was it.

So yeah, i have decided that I should give this whole lesbian thing a go. I have heard many of you SAY it, but have you actually TRIED it??


Here are my few very easy steps. Tried and tested. You will be having lady love in no time!

1. Go on a dating site. You are straight or possibly slightly bi. This means, more than likely, the only girls you are into is the really pretty girly looking girls, like the girls you see in shampoo commercials with long glossy manes. The ones that you are slightly envious of and would like to share clothes with.(basically other straight girls)     
This is NOT helpful. Also the only girls you see on the street that you can safely say are gay, are the ones in tank tops with short hair. (yes, I have a thing for long hair)
Basically, your gaydar is shit! What you need is some kind of database. Girls photos with the word 'Gay' written next to it. Nice and simple. No mdma feeding and pressuring the straight girls anymore. 
Less fun, but we are being serious here. 
This is serious. 

2. Getting a date. You are a girl, she is a girl. Girls are desperate so exchange numbers and call her up. Ask her out! She will say yes. Pretty simple right!
The only thing is that you won't get that funny butterfly feeling that you get from when a guy text's you. 
Push past this. Don't give up! Boys. Pff. Who needs 'em right!

3. Take her for dinner. This is also quite simple for you. This girl is pretty but you can just think about her as a nice new friend which makes it so easy to make conversation.
This allows you to pick up on her not feeling quite the same, comfort wise.
You can see in her, exactly how you act when out with a boy for the first time and IT'S SO ADORABLE! Catching a girl blush or stutter slightly because she is nervous. Fucking cute.

This is the point where you might just fail slightly. You start to want to feel the same awkwardness that she is going through. You want to be the cute vulnerable one.
This is where you want to message the boy you fancy. DO NOT DO THIS!
Do not give in. I believe in you. We can do this.


TOP TIP - If your mind starts to wonder over to the penis side of things, give your date a little friendly hug. 
She will smell SO GOOD and that will remind you of shampoo commercial girls lounging around in their underwear.

Ok. Let's admit it. By this time you have had some drinks and getting on so well. You totally texted that guy even though I told you not too. You start hoping that he gets back to you so you can bring him in on the fun but it's pretty late and it probably wouldn't happen anyway... God it would be amazing to be in that bed with his big masculine arms round you.

Errrmmm.. where was I. Oh, how to become a lesbian...

4. GO FOR MORE DRINKS. Its obvious you need more help but you are starting to imagine having sex with her which is the first step to going home together.
What is really ironic is that while you are out on your girl date forgetting about those awful awful men you will get so many groups of guys approaching you throughout the night.
You are two girls on your own in a bar. It's pretty much an invite for men to come over and try it.

You can get so many dates from these guys! Slyly give them your email saying its for work purposes then start the email flirting and BINGO!!
You will be married in no time!

AND THAT IS HOW TO GET A MAN!!...

Aw crap. That wasn't the point... Ok,


 5. Sealing the deal ...go home with the girl. Make love. It will be amazing. You can run your fingers through her hair and her skin is super soft and she is all giggly one second and sexy smuldery eyed the next.

Maybe you will imagine a third, more masculine, party? Who knows. Maybe the top vibrate setting is just not enough and the plastic is all cold and you hate the feeling of puny little fingers?
Possibly you start to imagine him doing the girl?
I dunno.
That's completely up to you.

Are you 100% thinking about men now?!

.......Yep. I give up.

There is a reason why we all just say we will turn into big dykes and not actually try it... *see photo below*

Fetishes

I have been doing research today like a good girl. Research on fetishes.
It's for some work i'm doing. Promise.

Here are five.
You may realise that the strange thing you like to do when you are home all by yourself  actually has a name! Now you can search for it properly on Redtube! Good for you!

1) Plushophilia
This is when people like putting their peen into the open seams of their stuffed animals.

The first thing I have to say on this matter is that i know someone who has done this.
He said he was little and there was a burst seam on his soft Smurf teddy so it became his lover, obviously.
I asked if it was Smurfette but he looked down and shook his head with shame.
It was in fact Poppa Smurf.

I was going to accept this fetish and move on, BUT THEN I read an article which said what other act falls under the Plushophilia umbrella... Having sex with people dressed in stuffed animal costumes.

I'm actually REALLY scared of people dressed in big costumes! I had to cross the road when i saw a Barney the dinosaur handing out flyers the other day.
It's pretty strange because I went to Disney World when I was little and there is a photo of me stood with Goofy, hand in hand with a big smile on my face....... now, I'm no genius, but I THINK something bad may have gone on with Goofy that day to make me so scared of these creepy fucks ever since.



2) Formicophilia
This is when someone likes the sensation of creepy crawlies, preferably walking over their naughty parts.

When I was little (again. I see a pattern emerging here) my friend told me a story about someone who pulled the wings off a fly and balanced its poor little body upon his erect penis in the bath. The tip poking out of the water like a little island for the doomed fly to spend its last seconds.... WE WERE LIKE, 11 OR SOMETHING. WHAT THE HELL!


3) Ponygirls
(Probably has one of those fancy names but got sidetracked looking at photos)
The name is exactly what it is, and i'm so into it.

Like all fetishes there are varying degrees. Some people go waaaayyy too far with all the latex and shit and it just becomes silly.
On the other hand, one girl riding another girl while on all fours is just girlish fun and a completely acceptable practice.
No creepy looking weird stuff. Just possibly some kind of make shift reign and a pony tail butt plug.
Nothing OTT.


4) Vorarephilia
Getting turned on by the idea of being eaten, or eating someone whole.

Now... I watched that documentary about Armin Meiwes who is in prison for eating a willing human. 

I get the impression that I should have been disgusted by it.  

Don't get me wrong, its fuckin' weird and everything, but i was more amazed that these two people had found each other. Thank god for the internet!!! These two would have gone unfulfilled for the rest of their lives if it wasn't for the internet! Meiwes would have been forever hungry and the other guy would just be living a life of not being emotionally happy, always trying to fill that gap.

They found each other on some messed up canibal okcupid and i say good on 'em!

FREE MEIWES!


5)..... I couldn't find the name for it... but.... girls in large bags. 'Nuff said.

 xx

xxx- -   xxxx- xxx x  xxxx-x xx-x-xxxxx  x x- -xx xxxxx x x x- -x x x -  x -x  xxx ---x x x xxx